GRUM BLOG

Never used Tumblr to vent ‘complexities’. Troubled and complicated situations aren’t an area that I enjoy openly expressing, that’s because of all the heavy lifting that comes with giving a fuck. Though in these past two weeks of January 2012, I had a change of heart, I started to care about a person to which end blown up back in my face and it ‘hurts’.

Simple facts that came with the pain that I’m currently bearing aren’t that harsh because I felt that it would happen, just didn’t expect everything to change so suddenly, but I am proud that I didn’t get overthrown later on down the line, I’m not expecting this to be the last time and it’s certainly not my first.

I miss her, and what she’s done for me, it’s a lot considering I’m quite a closed person, which favors me so that I don’t get hurt. Though it means I can be extremely stubborn, and I need ‘time’ to sort out my feelings. I love everything she’s done for me, I cannot thank her enough, but I still feel empty and alone and that’s my complexity that probably won’t ever change.

Yesterday, I had a brilliant day to say the least, well it was an improvement. Since I finally built up the gut to tell my best mate how bad he had been treating me, he’s ever so stubborn sometimes. Now he’s trying so it’s good, and I can see a difference.

Came over, and we just talked was a great feeling, although we didn’t really do anything interesting his company means a lot.

Though today, so far hasn’t been too good, as far as I know I’ve quit smoking, but im having issues in other areas. The smoking helped my tourrets syndrome, I get vocal ticks and motion ticks that come on without a reason. I will be talking to my nurse about these ongoing issues, I take a cigarette and have a smoke to relax and remove the tourrets NOT THE BEST METHOD. Yet thats what I did today. I’m not going back to being a smoker, it seems I still am one then if I’m having a cigarette, I can see how that is justified in most peoples view.

So I was shaking for 25 minutes in class, a few verbal swearwords came out. I just had to leave the class, lets say the least it’s one of the worst things about me, other than my random panic attacks, which is why I left the class since I had heavy breathing I just didn’t want to risk having one since they hurt A LOT.

Panic attacks are a pain in the stomach to start off, they lead into crunching pains and tight chest, and extreme sweating. It feels like getting eaten from the inside, the kidneys and stomach feel like they’re being grated and stabbed its an evil pain, I sympothise anyone who has this disorder.

I have a good selection of friends, though I’m at college and yet to do any work this term so far, even though I’ve been back two days, the second day is today; but to be honest on myself I did two tables about how my PONG game will work, in games development. Which is a good start, I just have to finish off my write up on my project this week, otherwise I fail two modules which is a LOT and I won’t get into uni.

Anyway, thanks for reading my dailyBLOG

-Cheers

ALRIGHT CHEERS PEEPS

Not the normal way to start a BLOG.

• Graham Kettles

• Games Developer

•  Grantham college.

• Going to University in September.

Not that this is a big post, but a big shoutout to all my pals.

I hope things get better for some & I can forsee a decent future for most of my friends, however for myself. I have another thought, I’m hardly the most dedicated for any form of activity, especially in the compelling world of Games, you need creativity which I have. But don’t really fancy expressing it entirely.

I’m dropping my bandwagon onto the Animation element, which seems fundimentally easier, and intrusive in my mind.

Though, I struggle most of the time and more than people comprehend and realize, I may be a powershell, with an ego of superman. Yet in reality im just as scared as the rest of you folk, trying to collect the next doller to pay a bill.

Not that I have to deal with Bills yet. I have not even moved out yet. To clean that up, I’m 19 years old and have friends. Who I don’t always treat the best, I know it burns. Yet I just fancy being happeh, but whatever way could I be happy, unless other people are not happy with me.

I’m busy in my head forming plans to create the perfect world around me, as I do not like the unhappy world, and I want to make a meaningful difference, I shall do that someday.

Relationships hmm, not too fond of those, I’m staying away for a while not ready for any kind of commitment would rather finish my education and have close comfort and happiness that way. I’m not saying i’ll have sex and shag everygirl I meet, god no! I just want attention, same as everyone else could possibly want unless they have a reason to be inclinded against that form of thing.

Easter holidays wasn’t too bad, got to meet the most special people in the world, I can’t really verbalise names right now, but they’re what I miss most of the time.

I keep on going just for them, even if them is a small selection, I miss them all, love them all and wish I never hurt anyone, but I have in the past. Yet that is my past, and i’d rather not fuck things up anymore, I want a equal world.

Sometimes a second chance is all thats needed to be full as a person again, everyone changes, not everyone changes to make a difference somethings happen because of pure coincidence or an obvious thought.

I have got back on my medicine as i’ve been off it for 2 weeks, and I had been ill in the easter, I don’t think any of you will enjoy this bullshit but its mine.

-Cheers All